Walter's Glossary of Internet Annoyances

Part 2:
"Browsers Suck"

They are our ticket to exploring this wonderful World Wide Web. You can find thousands of pages of forum topics debating this so-called “Best Browser” but in reality, there is no such thing. All of them suck. I’m going to review some popular browsers for you, and then provide with my solution to this craptastic browser problem.

Microsoft Internet Explorer:
Most unknowing computer owners will use this because they haven’t discovered any alternatives, and probably don’t care either. They deal with hundreds of different browser windows due to not being able to comprehend “tabbed browsing” and think pop-up ads are something everyone has to deal with. Let’s face it; even IE7 is a piece of garbage, and probably the most dangeresque way to browse the Internet. I think Microsoft should start marketing IE with that X-Treme feel to it.

”With Internet Explorer, you can browse the web…dangerously!”

”Choose Internet Explorer, and let your computer experience the thrill of risk-taking!”

”Browsing the web with Internet Explorer is like unprotected sex; It feels so much better!”

Disregarding that last one, I think I may have a future in the advertising business! I haven’t dared to use IE for many months now, and I’m not going to waste my time taking a screenshot just to prove how much it fails.

Mozilla Firefox:
I like Firefox. I use Firefox quite frequently. Firefox has tons of neat and useful extensions. Most computer savvy people use Firefox, and I have no problem with that, but daaaang it’s a memory hog! It’s like having all the butterscotch pudding one could ever want, but having no place to put it all! Even if you do have ample RAM to run Firefox smoothly, “Live Bookmarks” is the crappiest excuse (or replacement) for a decent RSS feed I’ve ever seen. Here’s an example:

If I were to click that “Open All in Tabs” button, it would be the memory equivalent to shoving twelve hippos into a compact sedan. (With the windows down and no sunroof, mind you)

Opera
Geiger uses it. I need no other reason to say it sucks. The only reason I would use Opera would be to say ”I browse with my O-Face on!” But it’s pretty difficult to say that without looking like a total douche biscuit.

Safari
Yeah, Mac-only. Windows users gtfo. Safari comes as the default browser on Macs, and even though it’s a huuuuge step up from Internet Explorer, it still has its problems. The RSS feed is really nice, and that’s a plus. But some websites treat Safari like crap. (*cough*Blogger.com*cough*) It’s pretty easy on the memory, and seems a great deal spryer than Firefox. The biggest problem I have with Safari is the lack of cool extensions. Firefox has a crapload of good extensions (Like Foxytunes) And you’d think Apple would at least implement an iTunes extension into Safari, but noooo! They want to force us Apple users to migrate to Firefox. Apple keeps pushing this “iLife programs work so well together!” but I guess Safari is left out of that circle of software butt-buddies. Safari has virtually no decent free extensions, and I haven’t seen any effort on their part to make any.

The Solution!
Most people complain and whine about something without providing a solution, but not Walter! I have devised a project to create the world’s best browser ever! Combining the goldmine of nifty extensions for Firefox, the speed, style, and RSS of Safari, and the monopolization of Microsoft’s Internet Explorer, I present to you:

Safixplorerfox 72!

You may be wondering why I didn’t include the IE icon. That’s because it’s the lamest icon ever.

Nathan, fire up that C++ compiler! You’ve got a lot of work to do!